


Breathe

by iwouldkillfor



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter/Funhaus RPF
Genre: Anxiety, Blood and Injury, Gen, M/M, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-09
Updated: 2017-02-08
Packaged: 2018-05-19 05:58:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 13,342
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5956270
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iwouldkillfor/pseuds/iwouldkillfor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Who knew Tuesday mornings could be this horrid?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> can be read as either gen or adam/joel, i wrote it as kind of pre-adam/joel

One of the first things Joel thought that one Tuesday morning was that this was not a good day. A vicious headache had already formed behind his left eye, and his alarm clock was way too loud and an hour late because he had forgotten to reset it last night. Oh yeah, it was going to be one of those days. Wonderful.

Fucking terrific.

Two aspiring pills and a cup of coffee later, and Joel still wasn’t feeling very awake.

He was beginning to dread the planned filming of a new How To. He liked Adam, he really did, but the man was also sometimes infuriating and Joel did not need that today. He couldn’t remember the game they were supposed to play either and for half a minute he just stood in his kitchen trying to get over the fact that he’d basically just had a senior moment.

God damn it.

Another spike of pain had him clenching his eyes shut and grabbing onto the counter for support. Maybe he should call in sick, but he hated the mere thought of Adam being disappointed in him. As a matter of a fact, Joel hated the thought of anyone being disappointed in him. Which was why he did not fucking like to talk to people when he was having these days. Those days where everything is just _wrong_ but it is almost impossible to explain why. Those days are the worst.

He inhaled sharply though his nose and grabbed his phone to check the time. Still had plenty to spare, he was going to be late no matter what, so he went through his morning ritual at a leisurely pace. Joel knew he was not going to like this day. Everything was loud. His footsteps, the water running, the doorknobs, even the fucking fabric of his clothes. So much noise, why?

Joel sighed, before finally grabbing his keys and backpack, making his way down to his car. As it turned out, driving was also horrendous. Morning traffic in general wasn’t a super fun activity to begin with, but with the headache, the pill bottle rattling in his pocket and the nearly unbearable loud noise of honking horns, it was almost too much. For several minutes, Joel wished he’d stayed in bed and called in sick. Then at least he wouldn’t be faced with anyone, and could keep to himself until the episode passed.

His phone rang and he distractedly hit the slider and pushed the loudspeaker button, “Yeah?”

“Hey Joel, are you in yet?”

Joel rolled his eyes and immediately regretted it, feeling more pain pulse through the front of his skull, “Not yet, Burnie. Alarm didn’t go off.”

Burnie sighed and Joel cringed.

“Okay, fine. Just let me know when you get here, we’re going to have a meeting at 11AM about the next short, okay?” Burnie didn’t sound angry, but Joel was still trying to comprehend the sigh. Burnie coughed, “Joel?”

“Yeah, sorry. I’ll be there in like, 10 minutes tops,” he said, leaning forward a little to gaze at the sea of cars around him. Not far now, only a little more time in hell and he could get to his office and close the door until the meeting. Then close the door again until Adam wanted to record the How To. This was going to be fine. Everything was fine. Almost 50 minutes until 11AM, he was fine.

“Okay, buddy, see ya,” Burnie hung up and Joel breathed out heavily, reaching up to rub a knot that had started forming in his chest. He tried rolling his shoulders but that didn’t help at all.

Joel let the back of his head hit the headrest, “Fuck this.”

He knew swearing at no one didn’t help, but he couldn’t exactly start swearing at his friends. They hadn’t done anything, it was just his head that was fucking with him right now.

‘It’s all in your head, Joel.’

He fucking knew it was all in his head; where else was it supposed to be?!

Pulling into the parking lot went smoothly and he got all his stuff and didn’t slam the door with his keys still inside. So far so good, he thought, heading for the door. He pulled out his phone and randomly pushed buttons to make it look like he was doing something so he could avoid answering if anyone talked to him.

He saw a person out of the corner of his eye and he tapped a few more random spots on his phone as the person greeted him, “Hey Joel.”

Ah, Blaine.

Joel ignored the buff blonde, marching towards his office.

“Uh, bye Joel.”

Joel winced and was tempted to turn around and say he was sorry he was just in a bad mood. But no, he couldn’t concentrate he had to get to his office to breathe first. As he approached the door he reached and was inches from heaven, but of course someone decided to ruin that. A hand wrapped around his wrist and tugged slightly, “Great, you’re here!”

Joel groaned, “What is it, Matt?”

Matt rolled his eyes and started pulling him along, “Come on, meeting started like five minutes ago.”

Joel frowned as he was led away from safety to somewhere noisy and he almost audibly expressed his frustration. But he held it in and checked his phone clock. Sure enough, he was late to the meeting. How- maybe he’d sat in his car pondering his options a little too long? Ah, this day was confusing.

“There you are!” Burnie exclaimed once they reached the conference room but Joel could only focus on one thing. The chair that was left empty was on the right side. He did not sit on the right side. Burnie waved at him eagerly to sit down and Gus was looking at him with one eyebrow raised just enough to make Joel want to sink into the ground and disappear. So he didn’t complain and grabbed the chair to the right even though it felt _wrong_.

He folded his hands in his lap just under the table, his left foot bouncing uncontrollably. He tried to listen carefully he really did, but now the room was noisy and buzzing and it was hard to focus on the words. He tried though, and he got the gist of what was happening. Nobody asked him any questions, and Joel nodded to himself at this small victory.

“Something you want to say, Joel?” Burnie asked lightly and Joel startled.

“No- no, nothing,” he said, his eyes flickering from the shiny tabletop to somewhere just below Burnie’s right eye. He had to at least make it look like he was currently capable of making eye contact.

Burnie hummed, “Well, I guess that’s it for now. See everyone next Wednesday then.”

Joel quickly got out of the horribly wrong chair and out into the hallway again.

“Joel?”

Joel’s shoulder twitched involuntarily and he slowly turned, “Yeah, Burnie?”

“You doing okay?” Burnie asked, walking closer and Joel just really wanted to back away and lock himself in his office, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t- he couldn’t do that before he was sure he’d be able to breathe once inside.

“I’m just not- I’m not having a great day,” Joel said slowly, trying to get it out through his tense jaw. He hated saying it, because saying it made it real and now Burnie’s eyes shifted and Joel looked down again, fiddling with his phone once more, checking the time for no good reason.

“Okay, it’s fine, you just seemed kind of distracted,” Burnie said.

Joel swallowed, “Yeah, yeah I know, sorry.”

The thought of being a hindrance seared itself stuck in Joel’s head and he touched the side of his pocket absentmindedly, the soft tap of the pill bottle reminding him that painkillers were not far away.

“Sure, just try to be a little awake next meeting,” Burnie clapped his shoulder and went off, and Joel hurriedly reached up to physically brush off the burning sensation that had started to crawl up his neck at Burnie’s touch. He shivered and the noisy buzzing returned with a vengeance. He closed one eye to try and block some of the bright lights and once more went for the office. A particularly loud laugh from the Achievement Hunter office made him physically try to block out the deafening noise with his hands and he redirected himself to the bathrooms.

Once there he hastily opened up the Aspirin bottle and took two more pills, reminding himself not to take any more for the next 4 hours. He leaned on the counter in front of the sink and his arms were shaking. He could feel them shaking under his hoodie and he let his head drop down so he could stare at his feet. His legs weren’t shaking but they were buzzing, almost making noise and he swallowed heavily. He looked up and ran a hand through his hair, noticing now that the bags under his eyes seemed more pronounced than usual. He shrugged it off; he knew he’d slept terrible and this day so far had not been a good one.

He put the bottle of pills back in his pocket and headed towards his office once more, this time determined to make it no matter what. Fate however decided that the complete opposite of peace and quiet should be the main attraction of today and sent a screeching Gavin Free directly into Joel’s path. The flailing Brit was escaping from a shorter, angrier American and Joel was sure that whatever Gavin had done completely justified Michael’s rage. However, he did not anticipate the collision course. Before he knew it, the Brit crashed into him from the side and a sharp pain ran up his arm from where his elbow connected to Gavin’s forearm, and as they tumbled to the ground another jolt of pain ran from his hip up his spine and he rolled away with a groan.

“Uah!” Gavin squealed as he fell and he quickly tried to squirrel away as Michael closed in on them.

“Gavin, you dumb shit!” Michael snapped, kicking at the squawking Gavin’s feet before turning to Joel on the floor. He reached out and Joel allowed the contact to be helped to his feet. “Sorry man,” Michael said.

“Sorry, Joel,” Gavin added breathlessly from the floor.

“Jesus Christ, guys. Try to be careful, you idiots!” Geoff barked, having poked his head out of the AH office to watch the debacle. “Hey Joel, feel free to fire their asses!” he continued with a pointed look at the two younger men.

Joel just nodded and turned away from them, heading for his office, now with a sore arm and hip. But it was fine, he was fine, everything was fine. Now his hand was burning and it was not fine.

“Joel?”

Please just be quiet Geoff. Joel felt like his head might explode if one of the noises didn’t stop soon and voices weren’t exactly helping anything right now. Both Burnie and Matt had already chipped in to that pool, and Joel did not need any more. Please just shut up!

“Hey, Joel? You okay, man?”

Joel felt his head moving but he couldn’t tell if he was shaking it yes or no. Maybe both?

“Joel?”

Whoa, Geoff was close all of a sudden. There was a warm hand on his hoodie-clad arm and he jumped at the unexpected sensation. He mentally berated himself; it was only Geoff for crying out loud! Deal!

“Y-yeah?”

Wow, way to make your voice crack there, idiot!

Geoff was watching him closely with his bright blue eyes, “You sure you’re okay? Do you need to lie down or something?”

“N-nah, I’m fine. I just- I just need to get to my office,” Joel insisted, glancing longingly in the direction of his safe place. Just a few more steps and he could breathe again.

Geoff didn’t look convinced, “You know, you can totally tap out if you’re not feeling well.”

“I’m fine, Geoff,” Joel said firmly, feeling panic begin to spread. Geoff wasn’t letting him go and he really needed to just _breathe_ and feel the _quiet_ because there was so much fucking _noise_ it wasn’t fucking fair! Please, Geoff, let go! He tried to wiggle out of Geoff’s grip, but the tattooed hand stayed clamped around his arm and his breath hitched, “Let go.”

“Joel, is something wrong?”

No, nothing was wrong, but nothing was right either! He tried to inhale but he couldn’t even do that and he ended up choking on nothing and the hand on his arm tightened. He let out a noise of panic because now he couldn’t move and he couldn’t breathe and he was going to _die_!

Oh this was bad, this was bad, he was going to die here in this fucking miserable hallway, mere feet away from the one place where he might _breathe_ , the one safe place in the entire building and he was going to _die_ because he couldn’t _breathe_!

“Woah, Joel?”

He was dizzy and Geoff was shouting in his ear – or was he just talking, Joel couldn’t tell anymore – and the buzzing wouldn’t stop! He managed to raise his hands to cover his ears and Geoff momentarily let go, only to put his hands on Joel’s shoulder’s instead. Geoff was moving, pushing and he stumbled.

“Joel, Jesus! Hey, get Burnie, something’s wrong with Joel!”

Stop shouting, stop shouting, stop shouting, stop shouting, _**please**_!

Joel could feel his entire body shaking, revolting against him and he couldn’t breathe and then his legs disappeared underneath him. He descended, but then a second pair of hands grabbed him and helped him sit on the floor and he whimpered at the stranger’s contact. The touch burned and it all burned and roared and he couldn’t see, there were too many faces and eyes and he evaded their gazes by pointedly turning his face downward and pulling his knees up as a shield. Keeping them at a distance so they couldn’t shout at him. Geoff was still there, now he was kneeling in front of him and his bright blue eyes shone through the mass of color and light that was Joel’s reality right now. Two tattooed arms slowly crept closer and Joel flinched, inching his body away and Geoff stopped moving.

The other person – the person who’d stopped him from falling and breaking his neck and dying – appeared out of the corner of his eye, and maybe it was Ryan, maybe it was Matt, he couldn’t tell he didn’t want to look. If he looked he’d see the disappointment and the failure and the annoyance and-

“Sorry!” he choked out, feeling the lump in his throat grow in size and the more he tried to breathe the more his windpipe closed up, making it impossible to get air and _breathe_!

“Hey, Joel, slow down. Breathe, buddy,” Geoff growled in his ear and it hurt and he clamped his hands down tighter, clenching his eyes shut in a weak attempt at making it all stop. Why couldn’t Geoff understand, he couldn’t fucking breathe?!

“Joel!”

Burnie!

A large, dark figure appeared in the midst of all the bright lights. The figure pushed the bright blue eyes aside and hunched over him and Joel was scared! He couldn’t breathe, he was going to die, and now this! Please go away! Too much, too big!

The figure leaned back a little bit and Joel dared to glance up, feeling something burn in his eyes. It was cold when it came down his face though, and it took a few seconds to figure out that he was crying. Oh God, no! He could feel the shame start burning him from the inside and the sensation almost overpowered the lingering itch where Geoff’s hands had held him.

“Joel, hey, buddy. What’s going on?”

Suddenly Burnie’s face was right in front of him, looking at him like a curious animal and Joel pulled his knees up higher, trying his hardest to create the best improvised wall he could. He just needed to be alone, he just needed to _breathe_!

“I can’t-“ he choked again and he couldn’t speak and he curled up as tight as he could and he couldn’t _breathe_!

“Hey! What’s going on?”

Adam, oh please, no. Joel did not want Adam to see him like this, he didn’t want to-

“Move back, give him space!” Adam snarled loudly and Joel could see some of the shadows around him move away. He swallowed and his breath got caught in his throat and his skin was burning-

“Joel? Hey, Joel, I’m going to touch your hands, okay?” Adam was talking and it wasn’t loud or angry, no, he was calm and he was soft and Joel nodded almost invisibly. Adam sounded nicer. Then there was movement and he felt rough fingertips come in contact with the back of his hands and he clamped down over his ears again. “Is it noisy?” Adam asked quietly, so quiet Joel almost didn’t hear.

Joel nodded again and sniffed.

“I’ll whisper, okay?” Adam started pulling gently at his hands, making them come off his ears and they were guided just a few inches away, he could still wrench them back if he wanted to. “Joel, can you tell me what happened?” Adam continued, still speaking almost silently.

Joel blinked rapidly, trying to remember how it had all started, “It just- ‘s not a good day- not a good day! Have a headache and the alarm- I was stupid, stupid, and then- and then I sat on the right!” He broke off, feeling the panic grow again because of course that was a stupid reason to throw a tantrum, what kind of idiot child was he?

“You always sit on the left.”

Joel nodded, taking a few wheezing breaths, “Always left, always left!”

“Okay, you sat on the right, then what happened?”

“I don’t- I don’t know! I d- Gavin ran into me and it hurt but that wasn’t it, I just wanted to _breathe_ and I couldn’t- I can’t breathe!” Joel cried, feeling again like he was losing control of everything and it hurt and it burned.

Adam tapped his fingers to the back of Joel’s left hand, “Joel, it’s okay. I know it’s scary right now, but I’m here.”

“But I can’t _breathe_ , Adam, I can’t-“

“It’s okay. I’m here and I’ll help you. I’m going to count to 3, okay? While I count to three, I want you to inhale. Then I’ll count to three again, and you’ll exhale. In and out, slowly.”

“But I can’t-“

“Yes you can. I know you can. You’re safe with me. Ready?”

Joel shook his head negative because he definitely wasn’t ready but then the bearded man started counting and Joel tried to remember what he was supposed to do. Something about breathing, but he couldn’t-

“Joel, while I count to three, what do you do?”

Joel swallowed, his mouth feeling like a desert. Why couldn’t he remember? It was so simple, surely he should be able to remember, he wasn’t a fucking toddler!

“Joel?”

“Inha-hale?” he tried, voice small.

“That’s right. And then when I count to three again?”

“Exhale?”

“You got it. Okay, and-“

Adam started counting and Joel tried to follow the instructions, he really did but it was hard and not at all painless. The knot in his chest didn’t disappear and Joel didn’t like that.

“It’s okay, keep going.”

Adam’s voice kept him grounded and it helped. He tried again, listening for the numbers and sometimes he could do it and sometimes he couldn’t. But Adam stayed with him, sat in front of him and counted. Joel wouldn’t have stayed for this long, and surely Adam had other places to be.

“I don’t want to bother you,” Joel managed, his voice wobbling like crazy.

Adam didn’t even twitch, “You’re not bothering anyone, Joel.”

Joel shook his head because that wasn’t right. He was being annoying and selfish and he was keeping people from doing their jobs and-

“Joel, can you look at me?”

Oh man, really? Joel turned his head to the side, trying to avoid the task he’d been given because he didn’t know if he could do it and if he couldn’t do it, why try it? He’d just disappoint everyone again and everyone would know he’d failed and he couldn’t do the simplest of tasks-

“Joel?”

Joel grit his teeth and tried, he really tried, and he managed to focus on Adam’s septum ring that caught the overhead lights and it was bright like some kind of star and it stole his attention easily.

“Look at me, Joel.”

Joel quickly looked up into Adam’s eyes and down again to the septum ring, and he caught the pleased look on Adam’s face and he didn’t understand that.

“Joel, you’re not bothering anyone. It’s okay to be scared. You’re calming down now, it’s okay. You’re safe.”

Okay. It was okay. He was safe. Here. With Adam and the breathing and the air.

“Joel, is there something you like to do? When you feel like this.”

Joel opened his mouth and closed it again, forgetting how to breathe for a few seconds. “I don’t- I don’t know, I… I don’t really do anything. I just- I…” he tried to come up with something, but he couldn’t.

“Do you want to try and edit a video with me?”

Joel frowned, “O-kay?” Yeah, he could do that. He edited videos all the time, and if Adam was there then maybe it would be okay, maybe he could do that. He nodded and looked up into Adam’s eyes and back down to the septum ring. He could do that.

“Okay,” Adam tapped the back of his hand again and Joel suddenly noticed the noises were quieter. They were still there, but now it was more like he’d been at a loud concert and it was weird because now it was quiet. Joel pushed his legs out a little bit and he let Adam move his hands down to waist-level. Then he felt the tears still on his face and he ripped his left hand from Adam’s grip to wipe his face with his sleeve. Adam didn’t mention it.

Adam helped him to his feet and he hunched his back, folded himself inward and avoided looking at anyone. He couldn’t, not now, please. Adam beamed, and Joel forced himself to listen, to ignore the others, “Let’s go edit!”

“Yeah,” Joel nodded and they turned and went towards the office. Joel’s legs felt like Jell-O and he wrapped his fingers around the edge of Adam’s t-shirt, following along and not really paying attention to where they were going. He needed to concentrate on moving and he tried to move in synch with Adam, watching his feet move one step at a time. “Thank you,” he croaked, trying hard to resist the urge to bury his face in Adam’s back.

“Anytime, Joel,” Adam said softly, and Joel can almost hear him smiling.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> user "sporkchildren" asked for the story from adam's pov, so i tried~

Adam’s Tuesday morning started off pretty much like always. Curse at the alarm, get up, go to bathroom, get dressed, eat breakfast, then head off to work. Nothing weird about that. Solaire hadn’t even pissed on the floor, but used the litterbox like a good kitty and Adam was counting that as the highlight of the week thus far.

Going to work, he mentally went through his schedule for the day. Only thing he really had on his plate was recording the next How To with Joel, and that should be entertaining. Adam had picked out a game he’d played before, and the plan was basically to have Joel go through it with Adam instructing him the entire way. Joel was sure to go against his instructions and it was going to be fucking frustrating, but hopefully funny content. And if Joel protested, Adam could always whip out the Outlast game. Neither of them were in any particular hurry to finish that game. He shuddered at the memory before pulling into the parking lot. As he parked and grabbed his stuff he noticed Joel’s car wasn’t around. He sighed and hoped the guy wasn’t sick. Adam shrugged; they weren’t going to record until sometime after lunch, Joel had plenty of time to show up.

He entered the building with a yawn and marched straight for the office so he could dump his stuff. The office was still peaceful, which meant the Achievement Hunters hadn’t started recording yet. Until those guys’ cameras started rolling, everything would be pretty quiet and lovely.

Gavin passed him then, a huge grin on his face as per usual, “Adam! Morning!”

Adam smiled back, “Morning Gav.”

Gavin was always a bundle of energy, even when he was tired he seemed more alert and upbeat than anyone else. Adam wondered how long that would last when the Brit would finally hit his thirties. It was hard to wrap his head around the fact that Gavin was older than him. He was just so childish sometimes. Then again, someone like Joel seemed decades older than he actually was, talking about the economy and shit like the people around him knew what he was yapping about. Adam had once texted Joel the screenshot from the Simpsons “Old Man Yells At Cloud” and Joel had texted him back with a picture of a cafe sign that read “The more you weigh, the harder you are to kidnap! Stay safe, eat cake!”

That picture was now Adam’s lock screen background.

Jeremy firmly believed it to be the closest Joel had ever come to say that he actually liked Adam. Adam had shrugged it off at first but then Jeremy had mentioned it again a few weeks back and now he couldn’t stop thinking about it.

Joel was pretty good at keeping people at a distance, and he disliked touching and pretty much always glared at Adam when they accidentally touched while sharing the controller.

The only time Joel had ever knowingly and intentionally touched Adam was when they had played the slap game, where Adam had to watch out for Joel’s injured arm and Joel’s skin had been a mass of bruises by the end of the day. Sure, Adam had a few red marks, but Joel looked like Adam had been beating him mercilessly for the entire How To. Joel had told him that the day after the How To, an elderly lady had stopped him at the grocery store to ask him if he was okay.

Maybe that should have been the first sign.

Adam liked Joel too.

And not in the platonic kind of way.

He had a feeling he should tell someone. Someone who could in return tell him how to deal with it. Initially, he’d thought that maybe he should tell Jack. He and Joel had been friends for a long time. But it was difficult to catch Jack alone and he didn’t want to attract any attention from the Achievement Hunters. Both Matt and Burnie were out of the question; there was no way he was going to the bosses of the company with a secret crush on a colleague! Gus was likely going to laugh at him. Maybe Geoff?

Adam groaned loudly, and ignored the worried looks he received from the rest of the office. He had frustrations to work on, and he was going to work on them alone. The morning was relatively uneventful, save for when the internet went out and Adam had to help fix it. He started setting up for the How To recording then, putting up the mics and making sure the wires weren’t tangled and the screens were clean and all he had to do now was basically wait for Joel to show up.

Joel wasn’t usually this late. It was already past 11AM and the guy had a meeting at 11- maybe he’d just gone to the meeting straight away? The door to the office opened and Adam looked up with bright eyes. His mood fell significantly when he saw Matt Hullum in the doorway, “Hey Adam, have you seen Joel?”

Adam frowned, “No, doesn’t he have a meeting now?”

“Yeah, he does. He’s not there. Hm,” Matt closed the door again and Adam had to count himself surprised. Joel was a punctual person, and it wasn’t like he’d forget the meeting, right?

Ugh, maybe this day wasn’t going to be as great as Adam had hoped.

“Great, you’re here!”

“What is it, Matt?”

Ah, Joel _was_ here, just outside the door by the sound of it. Matt was talking too and then Joel was gone, presumably being led away for the meeting. Adam pouted at that, but mentally waved it off. Joel had a meeting, he couldn’t exactly be jealous.

He rolled his eyes and logged on to the Rooster Teeth website, checking for messages and updates. He mindlessly scrolled, waiting for the meeting to be over. He really had nothing better to do than to wait for Joel to be done with the meeting and then they could get on with the How To-

“Joel!”

Burnie? Just as Adam turned to Matt Bragg to ask if he knew what the fuck was going on, Jeremy slammed the door open, “Adam! Something’s up with Joel!”

Ah fuck it.

Adam got out of his chair without a word and went into the hallway, Jeremy taking point but it wasn’t necessary as the small mob of people couldn’t be easily ignored. Burnie was hovering close to Joel, who was sitting on the ground looking absolutely terrified.

Adam’s head went into autopilot. When he’d first started working with Joel, he’d quickly caught on to the fact that not only was Joel tense. No, Joel was fucking anxious. Joel had reluctantly told him of his anxiety issues and his trouble with sitting on the right - among other things - and by the end of the day, Adam had gone home and researched for hours on neuroticism and anxiety disorders.

This looked like a fucking panic attack and Burnie was not helping. Joel had pulled his legs up to wall himself away, and he was obviously trying to breathe and failing miserably. Oh fuck, now he was crying too, this was going south fast.

“Joel, hey, buddy. What’s going on?”

Oh my God, seriously Burnie?

Adam sped up and he barely caught Joel’s choked up attempt to reply, “I can’t-”

“Hey! What’s going on?” he interrupted the commotion loudly, demanding attention and he grabbed at people to try and make them back up. “Move back, give him space,” he snarled, he couldn’t help it and when he finally pushed Burnie away he knew he’d made the right choice. Joel was a shivering mess, both hands over his ears and trying to catch his breath. Burnie looked on from the sideline skeptically but Adam ignored him. Instead he kneeled down and focused his attention on the panicking individual in front of him. Alright, from what he’d read online, touching was a no-go unless the person having the attack was okay with it. “Joel? Hey, Joel, I’m going to touch your hands, okay?” he asked softly. Joel was clamping down on his ears like his life depended on it and Adam assumed some kind of sensory overload was happening.

Joel’s eyes flickered briefly, and he nodded slowly.

Adam took that as a good sign and he slowly reached up and tapped the back of Joel’s hands with his fingertips. Joel tensed as the touch and clamped down harder, obviously afraid that Adam was going to remove the hands by force. “Is it noisy?” he asked as gently as he could manage in the tense situation.

Joel once again nodded, this time accompanied by a sharp inhale through his nose.

Adam nodded, mostly to himself, “I’ll whisper, okay?” He moved his fingertips to the edges of Joel’s hands and slowly moved them away, inch by inch removing them so he was sure Joel could hear his questions. Another thing Adam had read was that it was a good idea to retrace steps, to make the person aware of what was going on, “Joel, can you tell me what happened?”

Joel’s entire body shook and he blinked several times before answering, “It just- ‘s not a good day- not a good day! Have a headache and the alarm- I was stupid, stupid, and then- and then I sat on the right!” Joel broke off and Adam could practically see how much that single incident had factored into this attack.

“You always sit on the left,” he said and Joel wheezed.

“Always left, always left!”

Adam glanced sideways to Burnie for a moment before continuing, “Okay, you sat on the right, then what happened?”

“I don’t- I don’t know! I d- Gavin ran into me and it hurt but that wasn’t it, I just wanted to _breathe_ and I couldn’t- I can’t breathe!” Joel was driving himself up the wall and his attempts at breathing were becoming more and more frantic.

Adam tapped his fingers to the back of Joel’s left hand, the dominant hand, “Joel, it’s okay. I know it’s scary right now, but I’m here.” He tried to put as much reassurance and warmth into his voice as he possibly could. Joel needed someone to ground him, and Adam was more than happy to be that person.

Joel shook his head, “But I can’t _breathe_ , Adam, I can’t-“

“It’s okay. I’m here and I’ll help you. I’m going to count to 3, okay? While I count to three, I want you to inhale. Then I’ll count to three again, and you’ll exhale. In and out, slowly.” He’d read about the method online, and he’d explained it as simply as he could. Now he could only hope Joel was up to it. Joel needed to calm down.

Joel once again wasn’t convinced, “But I can’t-“

“Yes you can. I know you can. You’re safe with me. Ready?” Adam started counting even though he knew Joel was only listening with half an ear. He knew it was important to remind people who were having an attack that they were safe, that they weren’t in danger. Adam wanted to hug Joel and physically let him know that he was safe, but he doubted Joel would be okay with that. Joel was shaking his head and he was still hyperventilating and Adam swallowed. “Joel, while I count to three, what do you do?” he asked, watching as Joel jumped at the question.

Joel seemed to be completely blank, although his twitching suggested he was wracking his brain for answers.

“Joel?”

“Inha-hale?”

Adam’s heart leapt, “That’s right. And then when I count to three again?”

“Exhale?”

Joel’s voice was so small and insecure it made Adam’s stomach hurt.

He smiled, “You got it. Okay, and-“

He started counting again, noticing that a few members of the crowd were following instructions. Joel was attempting to do the same, with varying degrees of success. Adam could tell it bothered Joel. “It’s okay, keep going,” he encouraged.

“I don’t want to bother you,” Joel’s voice wobbled dangerously.

Adam didn’t pay any attention to it, but the statement hurt, “You’re not bothering anyone, Joel.”

Joel was shaking his head and Adam hated that Joel’s mind worked like this; made him think he was a bother. Joel was a fucking treasure and it burned Adam up inside that Joel couldn’t see that.

“Joel, can you look at me?” he asked.

Joel turned his head to the side, eyes determinately avoiding everyone.

“Joel?”

Joel grit his teeth and slowly raised his dark brown eyes from the floor to Adam’s knee. Then they traveled up to Adam’s chest and finally they rested somewhere on Adam’s face. Adam guessed it was the septum ring and experimentally wrinkled his nose. Joel’s eyes twitched and Adam knew he was close.

“Look at me, Joel.”

Joel’s eyes were like lightning as they met Adam’s. They quickly moved down Adam’s face again and now Adam was certain that it was the septum ring that was capturing Joel’s attention. He smiled anyway, because this was proof that Joel was calming down. Joel’s breathing was getting better, he wasn’t shaking as much as he had five minutes ago.

Adam breathed slowly to set an example, “Joel, you’re not bothering anyone. It’s okay to be scared. You’re calming down now, it’s okay. You’re safe.”

Joel swallowed.

Adam cleared his throat silently, “Joel, is there something you like to do? When you feel like this.”

Joel opened his mouth and closed it again, looking very much like he hadn’t ever prepared for that question. “I don’t- I don’t know, I… I don’t really do anything. I just- I…” Joel tried, but trailed off and Adam made an executive decision.

“Do you want to try and edit a video with me?”

Joel frowned, “O-kay?” He nodded and looked up into Adam’s eyes and back down to the septum ring. He was nodding to himself, a more decisive look painting his features. He was on board.

“Okay,” Adam tapped the back of Joel’s hand again and Joel pushed his legs out a little bit. Adam moved his hands down to waist-level. Then Joel ripped his left hand from Adam’s grip to wipe his face with his sleeve. Adam didn't say anything and Joel put his hand back into Adam’s grasp. Adam smiled widely and stood up, keeping Joel’s hands in his and he helped the older man back to his feet. Joel hunched his back, folded himself inward and avoided looking at anyone. Adam decided that pretending like the others weren’t there was maybe the best way to escape them. He beamed, and Joel’s eyes snapped to attention as he triumphantly cried, “Let’s go edit!”

“Yeah,” Joel nodded and they turned and went towards the office. Adam could feel Joel wrapping his fingers around the edge of Adam’s t-shirt, it sounded like he was trying to move in synch with Adam. “Thank you,” Joel croaked, the grip on Adam’s t-shirt tightening.

“Anytime, Joel,” Adam smiled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so yeah, if anyone has comments (or suggestions for possibly continuing the story) then please don't hold back!  
> edit: the picture joel sent adam is this; https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/17/e8/5c/17e85cfb17ffb65dbba7c130fb7c69aa.jpg


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> cegorachsfangirl requested; "Could you do another chapter of them editing and Adam encouraging Joel to make a plan together on how to deal with days like that?"
> 
> Sure, I tried.. Lo and behold there's angst ahead

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so apparently this story is turning into a multi-chapter thing, so enjoy!

“Joel.”

“Adam.”

“Stop unplugging my headphones with your knee.”

“It’s not- I’m- not on purpose, Adam!”

In the end, Adam had ended up whipping out Outlast. Not for a How To, but to try and make Joel focus on something that they both could scream and laugh about. The video editing had initially gone well, but Joel had begun to micromanage the entire thing and pushed Adam out of the process. Adam had thought that had been a good sign, but then Joel had started shaking again and when he made mistakes – no matter how small or easy they were to fix – his left arm would cramp up and his breath would hitch for minutes afterwards.

Adam had decided that Joel could edit the video next week and then insisted that they play Outlast so they could work on something that needed teamwork. Joel hadn’t protested and Adam seriously wondered if he should just drive Joel home. He was pretty sure Joel wouldn’t be able to work well for the rest of the day. But now they were playing Outlast and Joel had smiled. It had been small, crooked and quick, but it had been there. Adam had felt so relieved he thought he was going to melt.

Adam returned to the present as Joel’s knee again knocked against his with a sharp sound and Adam almost yelped. The older man didn’t even glance at him, focused on the screen and the mouse in his hand. Adam pressed his lips together and plugged in his headphones again.

“Joel, you know I’m not recording right?” he asked and put his hand on the keyboard, moving the character a few steps forward.

“I would say that’s pretty obvious, Adam,” Joel said, eyes glancing at the microphones behind the monitor.

“I want to talk to you about something,” Adam began.

Joel nodded, “Okay.”

“When you’re having days like these… Could you please tell me? So I can help before it escalates,” Adam was treading thin ice. He was pretty sure Joel knew Adam had researched on his own, but actively seeking out help was something he wasn’t sure Joel would agree to.

“It’s fine,” Joel said quickly, but his knee started bouncing under the table.

Adam licked his lips, “Joel. Today is proof that it can get bad. I just want to help-“

“I don’t need- I’ll deal with it. Can’t we just forget it happened?” Joel asked, looking down at the table and Adam scooted away from the keyboard to watch Joel’s movements. Joel swallowed, “I know it’s a bother, but it won’t get like that again-“

“Woah, Joel. It’s not a bother, why do you think that?” Adam interrupted. Joel didn’t reply, but it was clear that the mere thought of being in the way was a horror story in Joel’s head. Adam sighed, “Joel, you’re not a bother. It’s not like that. I’m asking because I care about you. The whole office cares about you. What happened today… no one knew how to help you and it was really scary for us.”

“But it’s fine now-“

“Yes, but what about next time? Believe me, I don’t want it to ever get that bad again, but what if it does and no one’s around? What if you don’t tell anyone and then it comes to a head, and we won’t be able to help? I never want you to be alone with this,” Adam said, trying to gain eye contact with Joel who seemed to curl up in his chair the longer the conversation went on. Adam hit escape on the keyboard, pausing the game and he removed his headphones. Joel didn’t, but Adam knew he could still hear Adam clear enough.

Joel put his hands in the pocket of his hoodie and avoided Adam’s gaze, “I know it’s… I don’t want people to think I’m broken or something.”

Adam almost shouted in frustration, “Of course they won’t think you’re broken-“

“I’m fucking 44 years old and I get hysterical over literally nothing!”

“You’re neurotic! You have anxiety issues! It’s not like you can fucking help it!”

Joel pushed his chair away and for half a second Adam thought he was going to leave the room.

“Joel, do you think that I think you’re broken?” Adam asked.

Joel grimaced, “I don’t know…”

Adam wanted to throttle the man, “Jesus Christ, Joel! You’re my friend!”

“I know that!” Joel snapped back.

Adam noticed Joel’s breathing was started to get irregular again and he tried cooling off his temper, “Joel, you’re not broken. And I won’t think any less of you if you tell me when you’re having bad days.”

“You don’t need my problems on your mind, Adam.”

“But I want to help. I don’t want you to think that I don’t want to help.”

Joel didn’t say anything, and then there was a knock on the door. Miles poked his head in, “Hey guys, um, so Geoff ordered a lot of pizza – like _a lot_ a lot – and the Achievement Hunters are only 6 people, so there’s pizza in the kitchen if you want any?”

Adam’s body decided to betray him, and his stomach rumbled. Miles grinned. Joel didn’t even smile.

Adam sighed, “Thanks Miles, I’ll be out in a moment.”

“Oh, okay, cool,” Miles smiled awkwardly, eying Joel semi-discretely and it was obvious to Adam that Miles had been one of the people in the crowd earlier. Adam nodded reassuringly at the writer and Miles closed the door quietly as he left.

Joel exhaled sharply, standing up and grabbing his bag under the desk, “I’m going home.”

Adam stood as well, “Let me drive you-“

“Adam, I don’t need a fucking babysitter,” Joel practically growled at him. Adam swallowed, biting down the argument he’d prepared and let Joel storm out of the office. Adam breathed out heavily and Miles poked his head in again.

“Is Joel okay? I saw him go.”

Adam shrugged, “I think he needs space. He’s going home.”

Miles looked defeated, “Oh, right.”

Adam sighed, “Maybe it’s for the best. He’s had a tough day.”

“Yeah, he really scared us. Geoff feels really guilty because apparently he grabbed Joel and kept holding on even though Joel told him to let go. He said he was afraid something was wrong and he didn’t want Joel to bottle it up,” Miles said, stepping into the office and leaning against the wall next to the door.

“Geoff thought he was helping,” Adam said dismissively, although a tiny part of him wanted to go find Geoff and punch him in the face. He looked up at Miles, “Is that why he bought pizza?”

Miles inclined his head, “Partially. The Achievement Hunters recorded another GO!-video and apparently Michael won a pizza party, so they just ordered a lot.”

Adam made an acknowledging sound in the back of his throat. He had to let Joel go for now; following him would probably only make it worse. And he didn’t want to create any more distance between them than he already had with today’s attempt at bonding. He pulled out his phone and typed out a quick text to Joel.

_Get home safe, pls txt me so I know your okay_

Miles was watching him, “You care about him.”

“Of course I do-“

“No, Adam. You _care_ about him,” Miles wiggled his eyebrow for effect and Adam leaned back in his chair, phone still in hand. Miles gave him a sad look, “It’s not hard to see. You should tell him.”

“I don’t think now is a great time,” Adam deflected but Miles only shrugged.

“Do you think tomorrow will be better?” he questioned.

Adam shot the writer an unimpressed look.

Miles held his hands up in surrender, “Alright, you decide. Just don’t wait forever, because I think Joel could use someone in his life. Not saying that he’ll be fixed by your love or whatever, but it surely can’t hurt him, right?”

“He’s not broken, Miles,” Adam snapped.

Miles looked lightly ashamed, “No, of course not, I didn't mean it like that.”

Adam let it go, “Who’s saying he’s even gay?”

“What if I’m saying he’s demisexual and I’m not supposed to tell because he was really drunk when he told me but he was being completely honest and he swore me to secrecy the morning after?”

“Oh my God, are you serious?”

Miles clamped his mouth shut but a victorious smirk still crossed his features before he exited the office.

Huh, fancy that.

About 20 minutes later, Adam’s phone buzzed and his heart leapt when he saw it was a text from Joel.

_*You’re_

Joel Heyman was without a doubt the most infuriating individual Adam had ever had the displeasure of crushing on.

Fucking Joel Heyman- well, that was an unfortunate choice of words.

Adam felt his face heat up and his pants felt tight and- oh no!

Oh, for fuck's sake!

Adam Ellis was a terrible, dirty-minded human being.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> more angst for the masses, but fret not, for i have planned this to have a happy ending (of sorts)!
> 
> again, if you have any requests or ideas, feel free to send them in a comment or on tumblr: iwouldkillfor.tumblr.com (though if you send requests/ideas by ask on tumblr, please refer to the story in the ask)


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a chapter featuring Geoff!

Joel didn’t come to work the next day.

Geoff felt like stepping into traffic and just get got by the biggest and fastest truck on the road. Joel had had an absolutely shit day yesterday, and Geoff had been the one to set it off. How had he not recognized a fucking panic attack? How the fuck had he missed it, and set off a world of fear and anxiety for Joel? How could he have been so fucking careless?

Geoff leaned back in his chair. The others hadn’t clocked in yet, and Geoff was debating the possibility of just heading home and calling them up later to feed them a stupid lie than none of them would believe because they fucking knew Geoff felt guilty as dicks. But no, that wouldn’t do. He’d been staring at his phone for about 8 straight minutes, wondering if he should text Joel or just give the man his space. Geoff knew Joel needed space, sometimes literally, and he’d fucked that up fucking perfectly yesterday, so now he was a little unsure if texting would seem invasive. Maybe he should at least wait until lunch? Joel was a morning person, but Geoff doubted that Joel wanted to wake up to a text from the man who’d pushed him into his panic attack.

He wanted to apologize, but didn’t want to- damn it, he didn’t want to force Joel to pay attention to his stupid apology if he was having a shitty time. Maybe he should ask Adam? Ellis had been a God damn miracle yesterday; having recognized the attack for what it had been and helped Joel to calm down. At least somewhat calm down; he knew Joel had stormed off sometime after lunch – without having touched any of the pizza – and Adam had glared at Geoff all afternoon. So Geoff knew he wasn’t exactly in the clear.

Still, he made a mental note to talk to Adam as soon as the guy showed up for work. Knowing Adam, it should be within the next two hours. Plenty of time for Geoff to soak in his guilt.

“Hey,” Burnie tapped him on the shoulder and sat down in Ryan’s chair, a knowing look on his face.

Geoff sighed, “Don’t even say anything Burnie, I know I fucked up.”

“If it makes a difference, I’m pretty sure Joel won’t take what happened personally.”

“I know, but he should. I was a dick and I just made everything worse-“

“No, you thought you were helping. I thought I was helping too, but apparently I was wrong. Adam pushed me away and Joel got better, so yeah,” Burnie trailed off, looking down.

“Adam was our savior yesterday,” Geoff said.

Burnie nodded, “He really was.”

“And now he’s angry with me and I think I need to apologize,” Geoff grimaced.

“Well, he and Joel are working pretty close, maybe he’s just feeling protective.”

“I think it’s more than that, dude. He was fucking pissed, glaring at me and shit all day. He didn’t even thank me for pizza!”

Burnie shot Geoff a skeptic look, “First of, you didn’t exactly hide the fact that the pizza was a kind of apology with food. Second of, Joel stormed off right after so they might just have been arguing and Adam needed to glare at _someone_.”

Geoff wasn’t satisfied with the answer, he was pretty sure Adam was angry because of the thing with Joel. And Geoff was plenty angry at himself, he didn’t even want to know just how long Adam intended to be mad at him. Long enough; he deserved it.

“Should I text Joel? Like, not now, but maybe after lunch?”

Burnie shrugged, “I think it would be best if you let Joel have his space. But maybe tonight would be okay, if I had to guess. He texted me this morning that he wasn’t feeling well, so maybe we should just leave him alone until he makes the first move. If it makes you feel any better, I feel pretty bad too; I forgot he needs to sit on the left. He even explained it to me on a podcast once and I just forgot it.”

Geoff leaned back in his chair, “We both fucked up, huh? I guess you’re right, it’s just- I just want to fucking apologize, you know? I feel horrible.”

“As I said; it wasn’t your fault, we were all clueless except Adam. You should talk to him, clear the air a bit,” Burnie suggested. The curly-haired man put a hand on Geoff’s arm before standing up, “Talk to Adam, you’ll feel better, Geoff.”

“Thanks Burnie,” Geoff mustered half a smile and the hand on his arm disappeared as Burnie left the room.

Now all that was left was talking to Adam when the opportunity presented itself, and if it didn’t then he’d just have to drown in his guilt. The day was still young.

Ryan was the first who showed up in the Achievement Hunter office, depositing his bag under his desk and starting up his computer. Geoff could tell that Ryan was thinking of a way to break the ice, so Geoff got ahead of him.

"I'm gonna talk to Adam when he shows up, then maybe text Joel later. Burnie and I agreed that Joel needs space and maybe I shouldn't do anything until we know for sure that Joel's up for it."

Ryan nodded, "Sounds reasonable. Meg texted me last night; you should also talk to Gavin, he feels bad too even though he didn't say anything yesterday."  
Geoff made a mental note to drag Gavin aside as soon as he had the chance. Maybe Michael too, for good measure. They'd both been involved and Geoff didn't like thinking about the possibility of Michael bottling up his guilt.

Ryan coughed, "Jack's at Burnie's office by the way, I think they're talking about Joel."

Of course Jack would be worried as well. They were all fucking worried but Jack and Joel had a bond. "I wouldn't be surprised if Jack's pissed at me too," Geoff muttered.

"I don't think he is. He's just concerned like the rest of us," Ryan said. "If anyone's pissed at you, it's probably Adam; he and Joel have become really close over the past 3 years, I wouldn't be surprised if Adam seeks you out to-"

"Punch me in the face?"

"Maybe. Or just yell threats of violence at you."

"I don't know which I'd prefer to be honest."

"He's a teddy bear, but he was basically Joel's guardian yesterday and he's angry," Ryan shrugged, checking his phone.

"Yeah, you're right."

"You didn't do anything wrong though. You through you were helping-"

"I know, but-! His fucking face, Ryan, I should have let go sooner- I should never have grabbed him, we fucking know how he feels about people touching him and-"

"Geoff, beating yourself up about it isn't going to help."

"Ramsey."

They both jumped at Adam Ellis' voice, and Geoff stood and met Adam's angry eyes. The tall man stood in the doorway with his arms crossed, "Can we talk?"

Geoff swallowed a lump in his throat, "Sure."

"I'll just go stretch my legs," Ryan said, an awkward smile on his face, and he inched past Adam who didn't move an inch and didn't take his eyes off Geoff.

Geoff was prepared for the beating and took a step forward, "Look, Adam-"

"I know you're sorry and that you didn't mean to trigger Joel. You thought you were helping, it was an easy mistake to make and I don't blame you for it," Adam interrupted and Geoff closed his mouth with a snap. "I'm still angry at you, but Joel can speak for himself and if he decides that you're forgiven then that's that. You don't need to justify it to me."

A long pause followed were Geoff soaked it all in. Adam's eyes didn't soften and he was puffing out his chest, his shoulders tense. Even though he was setting his personal feelings aside, Adam wasn't letting Geoff off the hook completely.

Geoff nodded in a resigned manner, "Have you talked to Joel today?"

Adam shook his head, "No, I've texted him once to let me know if he needs anything but I doubt he's going to reply." He sighed, "It's frustrating that there's seemingly nothing I can do, but if Joel wants space then I have to give it to him."

"I was thinking of texting him later, to apologize," Geoff said.

"Maybe after lunch. I think me, Jack, and Burnie have bothered him enough with our texts for now. And if you see him online, don't write him. He plays Minecraft when he's anxious," Adam said, giving Geoff a very pointed look.

Geoff didn't mind the look, "Sure."

"Geoff, you're not a horrible friend. You thought you were helping," Adam pressed, and when had Adam become a fucking mindreader? 

Fuck it, Geoff just smiled and nodded his thanks and Adam left the office.

Well, he hadn't been punched in the face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> suggestions are welcome in the comments!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this story is turning a bit darker than the original plan, so beware that i've updated the tags for triggers

Joel had set his alarm, but as Wednesday morning rolled around, he spent the first fifteen minutes awake just contemplating if he even wanted to get out of bed today. He didn't want to call in sick, because he wasn't really sick. He just wasn't okay. Damn it.

He grabbed his phone and texted Burnie.

_Not feeling well, I'm staying home today_

That had to do, right?

He put the phone back on the dresser, and stared up at the ceiling. Wasn't he too young to be feeling this fucking old? His entire body ached, his arms in particular felt almost fuzzy. He swallowed, trying to ignore the sensation and sat up, letting the blankets pool around his hips.

His head was buzzing again and he rubbed a hand over his eyes. Why- fuck it, he knew why. Fucking panic attacks. Fucking pathetic. He sighed, pulling his legs up to sit with them crossed under the blanket. He put his elbows on his knees and put his head in his hands. This wasn't a great week.

The loud vibration of his phone jolted him out of his thoughts and he reached to check Burnie's reply.

_Okay, we'll hold the fort :) Want me to come over later?_

Joel snorted, "No, definitely not."

He hated people seeing him like this. It was bad enough they knew his head was broken, he didn't want them to see him try to salvage what little pieces of sanity he had left.

_No, I'll be fine._

There, interaction of the day; complete!

Adam was sure to text him later though, Jack too, maybe Geoff...

He groaned and let his body fall back into his pillows. He didn't want to deal, he just couldn't, he didn't have the headspace right now.He really just wanted to stop time for a few years. This early in the day he already knew he was going to be playing Minecraft during the majority of the day. Wait, that meant logging into X-box Live and then then others at the office could see... Fuck them, he could do whatever the fuck he wanted on his sick days.

He literally rolled out of bed, dragging his feet as he headed for the couch.

Ending up at the couch had been the preliminary goal. Now on to actually turning the TV and the X-box on. As he was leaning back into his couch, he couldn't reach the remote and he sighed. The world was against him, wasn't it? Maybe if he reached with his foot-

No, that was disgusting. He hadn't fallen that far yet.

Laying down on his side might have been the first mistake.

Pulling on the blanket that was conveniently placed over the armrest was the second mistake.

Waking up 3½ hours later was the third mistake, and as he looked at the clock he doubted it was going to be a productive day. Not even Minecraft would get his head together at this point. His stomach growled and considered having something. Maybe coffee. Or water.

Joel slowly removed the blanket and headed to the kitchen.

Water was good.

Always drink lots of water.

He reminded himself to check his phone.

Maybe Adam had sent him a new text?

Or maybe there wouldn't be any texts at all, maybe they were happy he wasn't there. Maybe he should just stay home the rest of the week, give the others some vacation away from him. He'd only get in the way.

Things were...

Not good- Things were not good!

The glass in his hand fell, shattered against the floor and spread razor-sharp pieces of glass everywhere. He cursed under his breath, his head already working overtime because now he had this mess too! Damn it! He started picking up the pieces, only a little frantic, because the floors were supposed to be clean, not messed up! Why couldn't he even keep his apartment clean? What kind of imbecile was he, really? His head was pounding and he could feel the burning sensation in his eyes, but he refused to cry because he wasn't a fucking idiot!

Or maybe...

Maybe he was stupid.

Idiot.

Pathetic.

Was that why Burnie wasn't mad at him for staying home? Because he pitied him? Because obviously Joel couldn't keep his head together at all, and who the fuck wanted that in a professional environment? He should stay away-

Joel hissed and dropped all the glass in his arms.

The shards had cut him.

And it hurt.

Damn it. He heaved himself up on the counter with one hand, since his bare feet wouldn't do well against the chaos on the floor. Blood was welling up and running down his skin and he reached for the paper towels. That's when he realized he'd cut his hand too, and it stung.

Damn it.

He moved sideways on the counter and jumped down where he couldn't see any glass. Then he traveled to the bathroom to get a towel to wrap around his arm until the bleeding stopped. Fucking why was he so fucking clumsy?

He brushed off the most obvious pieces of glass in the bathtub with one towel, then put his arm under the faucet to try to clean the cuts a bit more. And that shit stung like hell! After he was almost satisfied, he got his hand under the faucet and started drying off his arm with a fresh towel. More blood. Why was he bleeding so much?

His nice white towels were getting soaked in red, why- maybe he should call someone.

This couldn't be good.

Damn it.

He knew he wouldn't be able to drive by himself. He wouldn't be able to hold the towel and drive at the same time. So he'd have to call an ambulance. Fuck. Maybe he should get dressed first. Yeah, pants were good.

He went to his bedroom and fished out the first pair of clean pants in his dresser. Dark jeans. Wonderful. Getting them on was a bit tricky with an arm that felt like it was burning and blood that was ruining the cleanliness. Dark red splotches all over his floors and the jeans and- did he need to change his shirt?

Nah, paramedics had surely seen worse, right?

Or maybe he should. He didn't want to appear fucking sloppy.

He turned around and apparently he turned a little too quickly and he had to grab the dresser for support. Okay, time to call the ambulance before he fell over or something.

He reached over the bed, instantly regretting it as he saw more red drops make its way onto the sheets. He unlocked his phone, ignoring two texts from Jack and one from Adam. He dialed 911.

"911, what's your emergency?"

Oh shit, he was actually doing this. Fuck  
"  
Um, hi, I- I mean, um..."

"Sir?"

Pull yourself together, Joel!

"I'm- My name's Joel Heyman, and I cut myself... by accident, and now I can't make it stop bleeding."

"Sir, do you need an ambulance? You need to tell me where you are."

Joel swallowed and rattled off his address.

"Okay, can you tell me about what happened?"

"I was- I was getting a glass of water, and I- my arm cramped up and I dropped the glass. I tried to pick it up, and then I cut- like, my arm got cut up."

It was tricky to hold the phone to his ear while holding the towel to his arm. And his hand was bleeding too so now he was getting blood all over his phone- damn it.

"Alright-"

"And I'm holding a towel around my arm to try and make the blood stop." Important information had to be told, right? He had to interrupt, right?

"That's good, are you dizzy at all?"

"Yeah."

"Can you sit down? An ambulance is on its way."

Joel leaned away from the wall and he knew he was swaying. "Hang on," he muttered and put both hands against the wall to support himself while getting to the couch. His head spun a little more violently, and his knees folded. He ended up against the wall in his hallway. At least he might be able to get up and open the door when the paramedics came.

"Sir?"

He raised his phone to his ear again, "Yeah, sorry, what?"

"Are you sitting down?"

"On the floor. I think I tripped."

"Okay, that's fine. Can you keep your arm raised?"

Joel groaned, "Um, not really. I can try."

"The ambulance is only 6 minutes away, if you can try then please try. It will help stem the blood flow."

"Okay," Joel nodded, then pausing. He put the phone on the floor and turned on the speaker setting, then raising his arm over his head and his left hand followed to hold the towel in place. "Are you- are you going to keep talking to me, while I wait?" Joel asked. He didn't want to take up too much of the dispatcher's time.

"If you want me to," the dispatcher replied.

Joel swallowed, "I don't know."

"Do you want to talk about something?"

Joel shrugged, "I don't really know, I- I guess not?"

"Well, I'd like to keep talking to you until the ambulance arrives, since you've said that you're dizzy and that you tripped. Can you tell me what you do for a living?"

Joel blinked a few times, "I'm, uh, I'm the head of the commercial department at a production company."

"How long have you worked there?"

"A little over 13 years now. Was- I mean- I am one of the people that founded the thing."

"That's nice. Do you enjoy being there?"

"Yeah. Just- most of the time."

"What about the other times?" the dispatcher was instantly on alert.

Joel sighed, "Well, it's just that sometimes it gets really noisy, you know? Like, and I- I can't concentrate when it's noisy, so I just end up being all wrong because I can't focus. Does that make sense?"

"It makes sense. Is it something that bothers you frequently?"

"N-not- I mean, I guess. It's just, everyday's different and sometimes it's worse. Sometimes."

Most of the time he just had to ignore it, because he wasn't weak. He could push through it. It didn't matter, he could deal with it. He could deal.

"Is it noisy today?"

"Yeah. A lo- Very."

He didn't lie, because why would he do that? The dispatcher didn't care anyway, might as well save his breath rather than coming up with some convoluted lie. Most days he didn't know if he was lying to himself. If he was just telling himself that he was okay, that he was fine, that he was okay. It was easier to pretend everything was fine. Because no matter how much he wanted to, he couldn't stop time. He couldn't make the noises go away. And he couldn't control his fuck ups. He'd still be weird tomorrow no matter how much he'd try to pretend and act like he wasn't.

Why waste the energy?

"Do you take any medication for the days when it's noisy?"

"N-no. I'm not crazy."

Liar.

"I didn't say that."

But you believe that.

"I'm not crazy."

Why was the dispatcher being mean?

_Knock knock_

"Hello?"

Joel blinked lazily and looked towards his front door. Oh yeah, medics. He lowered his arms again, feeling a burning sensation in both of them and he tried to stand. The dispatcher was trying to talk to him, but he had to open the door. He had to get the door. He stood up and his legs felt weird. He was moving along the hallway with his side pressed to the wall for support, and it was hard to keep his head up. He reached for the lock and slowly gripped it. It was hard to turn, and the click was unbearably loud all of a sudden. He moved back while he opened the door and then he tumbled backwards. He tried to keep a grip on the door and he didn't tumble very far before a pair of arms grabbed him and helped him down to the floor.

Was it the paramedics?

It had to be, right?

He didn't want to let go, but he was too tired and he felt himself slouching in the arms that held him and then he was gone.


	6. Chapter 6

There were times in life when you knew you’d fucked up. There were times when you knew that you’d just done something that was going to stick with you for the rest of your life. And there was waking up in the hospital with a dull ache in your entire arm and placed on a bed that wasn’t yours, with white walls around you and a nurse appearing in the doorway with a soft and somewhat sad expression.

Joel hated it.

The lights were too bright, his arm hurt, and he was disoriented as fuck.

He sat up and the nurse came closer. He leaned away as far as he could without making it look suspicious, “It’s good to see you awake. My name’s Sandra, do you know where you are?”

Joel looked around again, although it was just for show, “I’m guessing Austin State?”

“Yes, you were brought in because of your call,” the nurse, Sandra, said gently, as if he was going to break by her words somehow. “Do you remember what happened?” she asked.

“I dropped my glass,” Joel said immediately, because the memory was seared into his retina and ice went to his stomach. He sighed, “I tried to pick it up really quickly, because I- because I dropped it, and- and then I cut myself.”

Sandra nodded, “Now, only two of the cuts were really serious, but since they were placed where they were, you lost a significant amount of blood.” She briefly gestured to his arm, and Joel now realized his arm was wrapped up in gauze and bandages. “We stitched up the cuts that needed it, and after some questions you’re free to leave,” she said it with a smile and Joel disliked her even more.

At least he was still wearing his own clothes. He absentmindedly ran his hand down his thigh and his breath hitched, “Where’s my phone? And my keys- and-“

Sandra held up her hand and took a few steps to the the table by the foot of the bed, “Your phone is right here. The EMT’s didn’t find any keys on your person so the police were called to secure your home. The police then found your keys and they’re right here along with your phone now.” 

She was talking to him like he was a child. Taking everything slowly and making sure there was no room for confusion. Normally Joel liked that. He liked efficiency, and hated small talk. But in this case it was making him angry and he wasn’t sure he knew why. Maybe it really was her smile. She was smiling a lot. More than what Joel would think a nurse would do.

“So, I can go home, is what you’re saying?” Joel asked, not sugar coating his wants at any point.

The nurse’s face turned sad, but she was still fucking smiling, “I’m afraid you can’t go home just yet. A doctor is going to come by, hopefully within the next half hour, and ask you some questions. They’re also going to be telling you about how to take care of the cuts on your arm, so it’s very important that you stay here.”

Okay, now it was official; he really hated this nurse.

What the fuck was he going to do for half an hour?

“Can I call someone?” he asked.

“I’m sorry, no. But I could call someone for you?”

Oh, she thought he wanted visitors?

“No, nevermind then,” he said quickly, looking towards the window. The blinds had been closed but he could spot an orange glow. “How long have I been here?” he asked.

“Only a few hours. You woke up relatively early from surgery,” the nurse informed him, again beaming at him like he was fucking 5 years old and had drawn inside the lines for the first time.

He sighed, “You said within 30 minutes?”

She inclined her head, “Indeed, I did.”

“Okay.” And he lay down and rolled to his side, away from her. He didn’t want anything more to do with her fucking stupid smile and her stupid voice and her stupid answers.

Her voice didn’t even waver, “I’ll be right outside at the nurse’s station; you can pull that handle above the bed if you need anyone, okay?” He didn’t reply and he heard her leave, not closing the door entirely but making it creak as she pulled it.

He breathed out hard, and his arm ached. He’d rolled onto his right side, and maybe that had been a bad idea. But he was too stubborn to roll to his back and he didn’t have anything to do anyway, so he closed his eyes and tried to will his existence to cease. Or at least pause it for a while until it became bearable. Which was apparently going to be a while, he thought while clenching and unclenching his hand. It sent small burns of pain up his arm, but it was distracting enough. And it helped with the numbness he was feeling in the rest of his body.

He was focusing on the glow near the window and suddenly the door was opened and yet another painfully cheery voice jabbed into his skull, “Mr. Heyman.”

Joel barely held back the groan that was threatening to emerge. He instead rolled onto his back and looked up at the doctor; a man in a long white coat with blonde hair and pearly white teeth, like a fucking blonde Ken doll. What the actual fuck? Joel frowned, “Who’re you?”

“I’m doctor Caldwell. Is it alright if I call you Joel?”

Joel shrugged. He didn’t really care.

“Okay, Joel, I’m the doctor in charge of your recovery. First I have some questions and then we can talk about resting your arm properly for a few days,” the doctor was also smiling, like the nurse, and Joel could physically feel the headache forming behind his right eye.

“Ask away,” he grumbled, rubbing his eye with his left hand.

“Firstly, and I’m going to be blunt, please excuse me, your cuts were rather suggestive-“

“I’m neither depressed nor am I by any extension suicidal,” Joel interrupted, already sick of the conversation. He sighed, “Don’t get me wrong; I know how it looks.”

The doctor took a few breaths, “I’m told you dropped a glass?”

Joel nodded, “I was picking up the pieces, and- I kno- like, I know I’m-“ He had to interrupt himself to reform his sentence, “I get… panicked easily. And I don’t like messes, and- loud noises aren’t great either and so- I just panicked and I wanted to pick up the pieces.”

“Do you have a distinct diagnosis, or is this something less severe?”

“I don’t- I mean, I’ve never gone to a psychiatrist or anything for it. I don’t like those places. But I just… I know what I like and I don’t like, and I can manage,” Joel said.

“Would you like to talk to-“

“No. I just want to go home,” Joel didn’t see the need.

“Okay, that can be arranged, if you’re sure you don’t need to talk to someone,” Caldwell said with a pointed look in Joel’s direction.

“I’m fine.”

Sure.

“Alright, then let’s talk about recovery,” Caldwell nodded, resigned.

Joel only listened with half an ear, often looking towards the window and wondering how much a taxi was going to cost from here to home. He just wanted to go home. He still had that fucking mess in his kitchen to deal with. The orange glow became darker, almost disappearing completely by the time Caldwell had stopped talking. He started paying attention again when the doctor started saying something about being discharged.

He retained the information about making sure the cuts weren’t going to get infected, but everything else had almost entirely been filtered out. It was not relevant. He didn’t need this. He didn’t need psych advice from someone who didn’t understand that he wasn’t here because he wanted to die. He was here because he’d panicked; he could admit to that.

He just wanted to go home.

The doctor left, and the nurse came back.

She was still fucking smiling.

“Now, like doctor Caldwell explained, we’re advising you to wear a sling,” she started, her voice only aggravating his headache. She paused, perhaps waiting for a reply, but Joel was too tired to care. He self-consciously fiddled with the edge of his shirt. The shirt he slept in, that was now partially soaked in blood on one side. His pants had bloodstains all over them as well, but there wasn’t really anything to be done about that.

“Do you want me to call someone to pick you up?” the nurse asked, speaking softly this time.

Joel shook his head, “No. I’ll call a cab.”

“If you’re sure,” the nurse nodded, then taking a step to the side so Joel could walk out the room first. After he picked up his phone and keys he exited the room, the bright lights in the hallway making him wince. “Now all that’s left is signing some paperwork, and you’re good to go,” she was walking beside him, guiding him to whatever desk was the right one. Papers were put in front of him and he was told where to sign.

She beamed, eyes twinkling, “Alright, be safe now, Mr. Heyman.”

“Sure.”

Stellar response, Joel. Absolutely didn’t sound like an idiot.

Fucking hell.

Stepping out into the darkening evening light of Austin was usually not so unusual. But standing outside with no coat, or bag, and his right arm covered in bandages made him feel like he was made of neon. Everyone were staring – not really, but it fucking felt like it – and he had to make a call and… fucking cab driver was hopefully not going to ask questions.

And it was Thursday tomorrow, so he still needed to go to work.

Fucking fuck.

The call to the cab company wasn’t as bad as calls usually were. He’d been through a lot at this point in the day and he was slowly becoming detached from it. Not in a good way probably, but that would have to be dealt with later. The cab smelled funny, but the driver didn’t ask him anything other than his address. That might have had something to do with the fact that Joel was staring at his phone, contemplating the idea of texting Jack to let him know what happened.

The latest text he’d received had been from Geoff, surprisingly enough;

_I’m sorry. Hope you feel better soon_

It was followed by two blue heart emojis and Joel almost snorted out loud.

Two texts from Adam right before that;

_Just wanted to check in, you doing any better?_

_Text me if you need something, okay?_

In addition to that he had two missed calls from Jack and one from Burnie.

Huh.

After paying the driver – running into his apartment, snatching his wallet and running back out, thanking whoever was listening that he actually had cash in his wallet for once – he finally had a second to breathe. His apartment was quiet.

There was blood all over the floor.

Fuck.

He locked the door behind him, marched to his bedroom to change and then surveyed the mess.

Looked like another night without sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's been a while, sorry  
> please comment with your critiques (i'm sure you have plenty) or head over to my tumblr (iwouldkillfor) to yell at me there!


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